This has fallen to pieces

Now what?! Just where do I go from here?! I have no idea where im going or what I am doing. My life has gone from top to bottom in the space of a few hours. How have I become this mirror image of what she was a year ago, how does this work? Surely I can just be me from a year ago, want to be alone, be happy to be alone, thrive to be alone. I'm stuck in limbo, and I hate it. Despite everything that has ever happened to me, this appears to be the hardest challenge. I foresaw it. I listened to songs that echoed the future, now how quick am I gonna get up, just how am I gonna get up?!

What's the use of wund'rin, if the ending will be sad

It was written, it was prophecised, it was inevitable . That's girls's betrayal has culminated in the end of us, and in the continuation of a war I should have never had to have fought. It hurts, it hurts more than anything ever has. The only good that can be extracted from this is my mindset, and the choices I've taken to implement the plan ive had for so many years and promised myself I would implement. It will never happen again. I'll never let a girl abuse me like that again, and never allow her to allow others to abuse me. I have been ridiculed and humiliated as a result of her actions, yet I allowed it to happen. I wish I had fought back, I wish I had used all my rage and channeled that into destroying them. I expect I will regret that, the most. I will have to have the image of that boy's foot repeatedly kicking my eye, with the thought occupying it that he was only there because she led him there, only there because she knew it would hurt me. He supplied the kick, but she may as well have put the shoe on his foot for him. That image will replay in my mind forever, the eye that was torn open before was this time torn open emotionally. Only my right eye will see the present, my left will now see the past.To be hurt the worst by the one I love the most, what greater emotional agony exists above that? I suspect none.

Well aware

I'm well aware she doesn't care anymore, so aware and so sure that I'm not afraid to write, she wouldn't care enough to ever search this blog again. How can she believe she can just have her single life and expect me to still be around when she eventually wants me, everyone thinks that's crazy. It is. I'm going to destroy to flaws, and my doubts and my self consciousness, and once I've done that I'll be unstoppable. I have an unbelievable set of people around me, and she will regret this, I would've given her everything, I guarantee no man would ever love her as much, ever treat her as good as I would've. Instead I will wait the time out, get over this, and eventually find someone who will appreciate that, treat another girl as a princess, offer her all my love and protection, get back to the top with her. I won't lie and pretend I don't love her, I'm besotted with her, but I won't be taken for a mug, I won't sit and waste my seasons while she enjoys some teenage fantasy of lust and promiscuity. I will move on, and I will find a missing jigsaw piece to my puzzle and build myself again. Perhaps I am wrong and she will find happiness, regardless, I can only fight for myself, I cannot change her heart. I hurt and I cry, even as I am writing, but I have been so low before that I will not allow someone to do this to me again. I will use this to motivate myself, to become the best I can be, and I will laugh in the future at this time now and wonder how it could have meant so much. She will look and she will see me at my happiest, without her, and she will see what she could've had. I love her and right now I do not see how I can get over it, but logic tell me I will. I regret ever meeting her, I would've rather not known this happiness than have known and had it torn. Now it is killing me, tearing me up and stripping me of my identity, I don't want this feeling, I hate it.

It's finally relevant

Song of the month, June 2006, finally relevant, terribly, horribly, unexpectedly, hurtfully, dangerously, undeniably, relevant.

Rebuild

I've been sent back to 2012 levels, 2012 levels of confidence, of performances, of value, of shame, of humiliation. I thought I'd worked hard enough to ensure that such a dark depression could never resurface. I was wrong. I must rebuild myself, but this time 10 times better, stronger, faster. I need to be more intuitive, more dynamic, braver, harder, colder. Colder, that's what will save me. I'm going to follow through with the original plan. The master plan, the plan to achieve everything. I'm going to keep the November 12th promise, I live by that promise. I'm going to rise up from the ashes of defeat and emerge a better me than ever before. I know talk is cheap, and where I am right now represents the pillars of sand I managed to build. They fell, easily, in one night. "Use your body, in every way that you can, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own." My body, my face, everything, it just change. Once I've done this I'll be able to get back to the top, and I'll make sure that I'm never torn down so easily again. Look at this Tom. Look at this every time you have second thoughts, every time you want to give up, every time you think you've made it without executing this plan. You must know that is temporary, this plan is the only real way to win. I'm talking to myself, my past to my future. Remember me, remember this Tom and the pain and humiliation I felt. Remember me. Replay that night and the two that followed, and remember the pain. I trust myself which means I trust you, my future self. Go out and do what was always promised, please do not give up. Please do not stop. I am more powerful than I realise and you must remember this. Read this when you've accomplished the plan, and cheer, go out into Berwick and celebrate like Gerrard does, use that allegory, win that title. I know you can achieve this, so do it, remember, the fear of failure is illogical. It seems strange writing to myself, but I know it's the only way you'll remember. Remember this Tom, make me the last to suffer the issues that hold me back. Please don't fail me. I know you can win.

Maybe I am from the future after all

I'll never be able to encapsulate how I feel write now, no words I could ever amass from deep thinking or journalistic skill could accurately convey the horror I feel right now. It's a new pain I've become all too familiar with, although this time it's at its zenith, and I wish I could flick it's switch and turn it off as quickly as it was activated. The worst thing is the allegory for it that I played out, the worst thing is I was right, the worst thing is all of it. I can change nothing. I'm broken, the inner emotional workings have ceased, they have become overwhelmed and don't allow me to feel emotion, only broken, only empty. She was everything, a folly I implemented, a disaster I planned with meticulous strategy. I hate her, I hate the subtle way she began to define the importance in my life, I hate that her lies became my dreams. I hate that my humiliation was compounded by her, the one single entity that could undo all that is wrong, yet caught in the paradox that it was her creation. I don't hope he's worth it, I hope he fails, and that his failures lead her to destruction, that maybe he might represent such besotted importance to her that his betrayal could replicate my pain. It's untouchable this pain, it's somewhere in the stomach but everywhere at once as well. She has infiltrated my empire and tried to bring its biggest admirer to his knees. But I won't kneel, and I wouldn't let her escape unpunished. Her fears exposed and taunted, I have torn down the clothes pegs that held her worries, horrors and concerns high above in the sky, I have unclipped them and bought them down to earth, down to reality. Does she hurt half as much? Not half a chance.

I replay the narrative in my head, I show up with my only motive to rescue her, and she just blanks my request for her to leave. The boy I'm past kid about escorts us out and tries to smooth talk me, my eyes are swelling with anger and disappointment, the look of a loose cannon is etched across me, they can see it. She jokes that it's all a laugh, the drugs, the getting off, and it's all a lie, even the source of the drugs is a lie. I know it's him, no random guy gives out drugs, no-one sells drugs in clubs outside London. My dejection turns to humiliation and I see her skip back inside with them, her voice is fresh and full. I come back to attempt the rescue again, this time she's colder, she tells me no, she tell the bouncer I'm the jealous ex. I ring her parents and after my mates successfully talk the two boys into honest fear, I leave her to deal with the remnants of her mistakes. There's more to come, she still attempts to see the boys, that boy, the dangerous one. I jog a mile in the Arctic breeze to secure money to save her, all the while she's kissing him, dreaming of bedding him, I'm unaware but oh so sure. Then at mine the lies continue, and she bed hoow back to me to continue the fascade and leave me imprisoned in a web of lies, a web that's untangaling and is made more obvious by her accidental hints and mistakes. Her phone, it reveals not paranoia because you're not paranoid if you're right. She's trying to leave me, she's been kissing him, she has feelings for him, she doesn't want to be back with me. She still lies, and my head goes, and I cast her out, permanently. All the while she lies until the cover of a phone call gives her the confidence, and the cheek of her, she didnt want to hurt me. Still the prospect lies of our nothingness relationship, one that permits and encourages affairs and justifies them, how convinient. One day we can return, but not until feelings fade, if they ever fade. And I am left with nothing, just a chance at nothing and a bag full of hurt feelings and future suspicions. Why should I allow her the chance to destroy me again, she's strong now but I know she could be weak again, then she'd want me, but i don't want to be a medicine, a tool used for retaining her self preservation, something that keeps her calm and safe, I want more than that. I bet he laughs and laughs and laughs, he not only got the girl, but convinced the girl to laugh and laugh laugh at me. Promises are cast aside when fleeting feelings come into play, and he knows she wants him, and she knows she wants him, and I know she doesn't want me because he's fresh and exciting and new. But I am not finished, I have flaws and imperfections, but I have plans, plans from long ago that have resurfaced and rooted themselves in my ambition. I can be ten times better, ten times stronger, ten times quicker. It's hard but possible, and it's only gets closer and closer the more the situation deteriorates. How will she be remembered when the time has passed and her legacy in my existence is up for review. The girl who brought me back to the top? Or the girl who made the ultimate betrayal? The girl who hurt me more than anyone else? I want this kid to hurt, or do I? Should I not let this thing have her, it can't last, it won't last. Should I move on and find something different, someone safe, someone I know can fill the fresh made hole in my emotion yet safe enough to know they won't vacate it. How can you hate a man who is willing to take an unfaithful girl, shouldn't you pity him. He's aware, he knows, but then it dawns on me, he doesn't want her like I want her, she's an easy shag he thinks but he won't get that. All the while this happens I could be off into a new chapter and creating better times for me to savour. I know it's unrealistic, but I know also that after two ops, a gym and a lot of money that I will be invincible. I have the potential, I should fufil it and let her suffer for her errors. This night is impossible to forget so why start trying, instead remember the hurt and the pain and how you can't ever let that happen again. Deconstruct. Take away emotion from sex, have fun. Jump from girl to girl even if the standards drop, one good'un will come along for keeps, but don't ever let her close enough to destroy you like that, keep enough distance to full cement your position. It hurts right now but it will get better, I will get better, and then the last laugh will be with me. No player is bigger than the club.

Soon, that's when

I'm alive again, I have been since November 2013, over a few days I just woke up and felt better and then a little bit more better and then that was it, alive again. It took me 'til January to return to normal, things were more psychologically more demanding that I had anticipated, then I scored that first goal, and it hit me, I'm alive, I really am. I dipped for a week in March and a few in September/October. What is my health problem? I don't know? Psychological after all that? I'd take that. Gerrard was still my metaphor, didn't he burst into life again. Now he's leaving, I hope he's not  still my metaphor. My goals have changed, or rather they have regressed. I'm selfishly seeking more, I want to be back at the top. I have good people around me, a good group that still retains the spine of my old one.