It's dawned on me

I don't ever want another war. I don't ever want to hate myself. I don't ever want to be comparing myself to better yesteryears. I don't ever want to be disappointed with myself again. I don't ever want to make the same mistakes. All I want, is a bit of fun, to not feel too bad about myself. To play a lot of football. To meet a nice girl. To go wild sometimes. To make a little bit of money to build a future. That's all.

I cannot lie, and I cannot pretend

Ok, so I can't ignore what had happened. I've lost a couple of important friends, I have created a new problem for myself regarding my image. I am now not as successful as a year ago, or two years ago. That's the truth. I cannot lie. I am depressed. This is why every day seems so hard. This is why I'm less able, less motivated. I don't want to sit and cry about it. I really don't. But it's so bizarre. Other than people, and how insecure I am about how I look, there's not a lot else to complain about. Every now and then, in isolated moments, I do very well. There's a lot of psychological damage I need to address. I can't lie that my confidence is in tatters. But little things happens to improve that. I won't be young forever and I don't want to waste time. Too much time has been wasted. I still have crazy moments as well. I still have a faint belief in fate, especially after the bizarre coincidences that have taken place recently. It's beautiful that it was last week that football made me feel alive again for the first time in forever. I hadn't played properly in so long, and just like that I was back to my best. That exhilarated me. I've always had football to come rescue me. But last night, I got injured instead. It should not be too long but it shows how fickle everything is right now. It's still strange to me how good it looks from a third person perspective, but for me, this is failure. I am very very lucky to have come out of bad situations before, extremely lucky. I need to work a way out of this one.