Closing in? Or as far away as ever?

There isn't too much left of this season. One incredibly important day left. One day that's hopefully more important 5 days into August. I should know on the 23rd whether everything will go ahead as planned. A promise is a promise, I intend on fully implementing everything I said I would. Who would've thought that the horrific parts of this season would've influenced all this change. Writing about that night in the hospital 7 and a half years ago reminds me that the worst people in your life can ellicit the best changes. The same thing appears to have happened this year. If anything, I should thank both. Without them I wouldn't be on the path I'm on now. I'd be content with mediocrity. My reinvention is slowly visible, I'm hitting the gym more and more often, working harder. All I have to do is remember why and the motivation is there. That chapter helped so much, I realise now why I couldn't cheat, couldn't reciprocate what was happening to me, couldn't use the worst insults until my family were brough into this. It's because I could never become him, could never use the same methods as what he did to destroy this family, couldn't betray my morals because they are based on what I hated about him. I no longer regret the fact that I didn't get revenge by cheating on her, instead I thrive on that I didn't, thrive even more that she believes I did. It means she'll understand how I felt, to believe that your whole world was a lie. Her's wasn't, but the throwbacks and other hints create an illusion of a different Tom. Pretty stupid to believe it if I'm honest, just when would I have had time to cheat, she was Velcro. Still, the fact remains that she must sit and comprehend that it was all a joke on her, that I was laughing the whole time. The opposite is true and the joke was on me, but she'll be devastated thinking that she wasted her time and her feelings. I know that because it's exactly how I felt and the odds are a thousand to one that she'd ever come across this page again. Nobody's memory is like mine, I doubt she remembers this even exists, it's not exactly updated regularly. As mentioned before, there is not long of the season left, and as of August, I hope I have done enough to facilitate progress, and then it's out of my hands, just as it always was going to be. The people around me are amazing and I have more of them than I have had for years, old faces have resurfaced this year, as well as new ones within the last few months. This is it, the battle back to the top has either reached a crucial pivotal moment, or horrid and despairing anti-climax will occur. Right now, I can change nothing. I must wait.

If you don't like something, change it

Probably the best piece of advice I've been given, Karlie's maxim has inspired me to reinvent myself, to completely overhaul certain aspects of my life that have held me back. This new chapter in my life is hopefully going somewhere. If the plans I've put in place come to fruition, then it should culminate in the most successful period of my life. Arguably this already is. I've more friends, more money, more qualified, and more successful with girls than ever before. There's just a few pieces of the puzzle that I've yet to find, but I've done what I can to arrange that. It's the waiting I can't stand, the waiting game is agonising. In 6 months, I should be unrecognisable. A good unrecognisable. By christmas I hope to look exactly how I've always hoped, to weigh what I've always hoped, to work where I've always hoped, and to have all the things in my life I've always hoped. I nearly did that last year and the year before. Only illness stopped me in 2013. 2014 just wasn't enough, that illness had slowed me down too much, and she was holding me back from moving on to something better. If only I'd taken My chances I had, I owed no loyalty to her. I spose hindsight is brilliant, I didn't know that back then. But I can't keep re-reading the last chapter of my life. She's not threat to me anymore, she possesses no emotional or physical hold over me anymore, and the people who could are now friends with me. The worst thing is that the kid is actually alright. I genuinely feel bad for him that he was dragged into everything. How bizarre. I won't make the same mistakes again, let's face it, I wasn't perfect, but I did try. This time, I'll make sure I don't ever make someone feel undervalued. I'd like to think I'm already doing that. In a way there's a positive to consider from not winning in 2013. I would've had her to thank for it, that would be terrible, she would've soured the memory, she already has soured many memories. I never believed I could hate anyone more than Leigh, but never has someone come so close to destroying me. It's odd to consider that the one person who should've been closest to me, who should've been an absolute banker to be on my side, is the one who would become my ultimate enemy. A lesson learned or an unfortunate mistake? I doubt I'll ever know, I'm just glad I dodged the bullet when I did. What the fuck would've happened to me had Easter not happened. Would I have gotten worse, stopped living my own life completely. When I get back to the top, the previous chapter will become irrelevant, and the memory of it will fade.

Girl, I'm all cried out over youuuuuuuuuuuuu

Well, the last 3 months have been eventful, they've been ridiculous. I honestly never thought I'd recover so well or so fast. Fuck me, I remember those first two weeks I just cried and hurt. Grand National was hard, some nights were harder. Wasn't until the station night that the humiliation just subsided. Then befriending my enemy just undid all that damage. That was my favourite night, seeing her fail in her diligently fought campaign to destroy my life. The look on her face tore away any hold she had over me. I came back to life that night. It just didn't hurt anymore, and she lost relevance. Sure, she was a pain in the arse for a few weeks still, but emotionally, her grasp had been unhinged. Those photos, how hilarious, how brilliant, how very apt. My night was made all the better for those photos, and the whole episode has inspired my writing, written in a style much better conveyed than explained here. But I don't need to explain, this is only for me, only for reference, only so I can reflect one day. My chapters are being written with pace, and they're decent, my writing has improved dramatically. It's nice to take a break and regress to this colloquial manner of writing. In a return to my metaphor, I'm sick of how heavily she dominated this season. Chris was supposed to be the enemy, not her, how odd that the night I tried to complete the proposal that it set this whole ordeal in motion. How odd that I quit her previous job for her, triggering her next employment and inadvertently creating the circumstances for this year's events. I'll never understand how I lost myself so badly, at Christmas I was still me, I didn't tolerate any of her bullshit. By January, I was a shadow of myself, and by April, my personality was in a coma. But, it helped, it inspired me, I don't think anything could've motivated me more than her desperate attempts to ruin my life. How brilliant was Gerrard's metaphorical influence on my life. I don't think I've ever received more praise than for those photos, I don't think I've ever received more hate from her side for that. I thrived on that. Snelly always said no-one would win the battle with me, he was right, even if I didn't believe it for most of the time. Carousel was unbelievable, I now understand why she didn't want me to do that show, the buzz I got from that show was incredible, and to sing You'll Never Walk Alone as Gerrard made his last showing for Liverpool, it was poignant yet brilliant. I was lost in that moment. Then my degree, to somehow achieve a first after it looked certain I would leave with nothing. That was special. Then the atonement. At Sainsburys I got further in one night than I had in all those months years ago. How ridiculous that the clairvoyant I spoke to predicted most of these things, how scarily accurate she was with names and details. I don't know if I believe her, all I know is that she's been right about nearly everything. Where now, I'm on the cusp of achieveing everything. Only two things stand between me, one is booked, but it's not in my hands that it certainly happens. If it does, I will complete a long awaited promise and I will be ten times better than before. I'm happy again at last, but I feel like I'm stagnating, there is still much more to achieve. But it depends on the decisions of other as much as my own. The promise still remains the same. The title, to get back to the top.