Convalescence?

I've improved, that's for sure, and my family don't show any signs of illness like I do, despite repeating what I did with the poison. This leaves me wondering if it's only affected me, or if there's something else wrong with me, I'm at a crossroads, but the path I'll take is not my decision. I refuse to believe my history has been erased in one day, ten minutes no less. Why did I come back from the brink? Just to fall back again, to fall further, and now it seems it is impossible for me to return, to get back up, to fulfil my promise. My dreams of changed, I simply dream of playing football again, of being able to go out normally, things that were a given. I'm stuck, very very stuck, I don't understand what's wrong with me, and therefore I can do nothing about it. Even if I knew, could I do anything about it? They're not ill and I am, and that makes no sense. My past is staring at me and asking, "when?"