Soon, that's when

I'm alive again, I have been since November 2013, over a few days I just woke up and felt better and then a little bit more better and then that was it, alive again. It took me 'til January to return to normal, things were more psychologically more demanding that I had anticipated, then I scored that first goal, and it hit me, I'm alive, I really am. I dipped for a week in March and a few in September/October. What is my health problem? I don't know? Psychological after all that? I'd take that. Gerrard was still my metaphor, didn't he burst into life again. Now he's leaving, I hope he's not  still my metaphor. My goals have changed, or rather they have regressed. I'm selfishly seeking more, I want to be back at the top. I have good people around me, a good group that still retains the spine of my old one.

Convalescence?

I've improved, that's for sure, and my family don't show any signs of illness like I do, despite repeating what I did with the poison. This leaves me wondering if it's only affected me, or if there's something else wrong with me, I'm at a crossroads, but the path I'll take is not my decision. I refuse to believe my history has been erased in one day, ten minutes no less. Why did I come back from the brink? Just to fall back again, to fall further, and now it seems it is impossible for me to return, to get back up, to fulfil my promise. My dreams of changed, I simply dream of playing football again, of being able to go out normally, things that were a given. I'm stuck, very very stuck, I don't understand what's wrong with me, and therefore I can do nothing about it. Even if I knew, could I do anything about it? They're not ill and I am, and that makes no sense. My past is staring at me and asking, "when?"

The End

I'm done, I've given up, I don't want to be here anymore, not now, not when I can't function properly anymore, I'd rather be a memory, a memory of a better me, if I can't be me, than I'd rather not be here at all. I will look for my best option and then jump ship.

It's over, my hopes ended, for ever.

The 12th July marks the end. I believe I was poisoned, I inhaled some pesticide I had placed down in the garden, not a substantial amount, but that's when it started. I felt numb soon afterward, and dizzy, and the world just looked different. I still feel the same now, although the 2 days after the exposure I was fine for small periods. But now I am permanently damaged, I know this because it has been 35 days since this ordeal began, and I show no signs of recovery. Of course I don't, because I know I never will, it's permanent, it's damage from a neurotoxin. My mum recreated the same scene, inhaled a similar amount, twice no less, yet shows no symptoms. I have no idea why. Because of all this I am writing today to declare my life over, and to effectively retire from all the things I was doing and had planned, because I can no longer do them. The world has become a difficult place to navigate, and I struggle to do even the simplest things. I have given up hope of recovery, which is gut wrenching, because I know if I had not been ill I would've accomplished all the things I had planned, I was on top of the world. Was. Now my life has been stolen by a chemical called deltamethrin, a chemical that I advise no-one ever comes into contact with. I wish I could cope, and re-launch my life, but I just can't.

Maybe all those eyelash wishes paid off after all...

I did it! I actually did it! I can't believe I'm actually writing it! I'm back at the top! IT took just under seven years but I finally managed it, I actually managed it. After just nine days under my own management I deliver a League Cup, and now I'm top, it's unbelievable. I never thought it would be this season, I never thought it possible, but somehow this is where I am. Now I have to remember my mistakes last time I was here, and ascertain that they do not happen again, but right now I'm just enjoying being happy.

Unbelievable, incredible, how freaky as well

Ok, so somehow the last few weeks have shaped my entire season, I've mounted a challenge, a genuine challenge, yet I know there are things that I took for granted which must be restored. I'm under my own management, management that I believe is the best for me, and so far that is evidently true. There have been bizarre coincidences which have been puzzling to me, and at one point I thought I had ruined it, but my reaction shows potentially I can react positively to things not going my way, however I wouldn't place any assurity on it, and assurity isn't even a word. I made a call on tonight, and I was right, that scares me, puzzles me, and makes me wonder.

Now it's gotten interesting

Well, well, well, it appears as though history will always repeat itself, only this time I must be much more careful, that boy is an exaggerated parody and allegory of myself, because he is not me, I see him making his mistakes as he makes them, with myself I was unable to do this without hindsight. So, now what? I know that there are changes that must be made to have a chance, not nuances, but huge changes, potentially logistically, that is the dream after all. The last few weeks have been full of action, and they serve to remind me that it is possible still to mount a serious challenge, but, even if such an unlikely challenge is fought, am I confident enough to say I won't make the same mistakes as before if it doesn't go my way?