Take On Me

I feel so scared, so utterly gripped and consumed by terror. The risks im taking here are so drastic it is unreal. I want to come home and resurrect what I had before. I can't believe that This is how everything has turned out. I really wish this didn't have to happen, but easter saturday showed exactly how vulnerable I could become, and I can never allow someone to ever again exploit my insecurities and as a result gain such control over me that I feel undeserving of any better. I nearly lost everything and it is only through a miracle that I somehow turned it all around. As tough as is like to appear, I know that this is just a representation ive implemented. I'm ok, but I know that the naive soft side of me is still very much intact. I hate the things I've had to do this year. To break promises made to both myself and others disgusts me, I am appalled that I had to turn into the kind of person that girl feared in order to stop her. I never wanted to do that, and I never dreamed circumstances would arise where that would become necessary. I'm almost ready to spark back into life, to become the person I want to be. If anything goes wrong, terribly wrong, then I can only protest that I did what I thought was best. Ironic really, if it did, then despite all my winning, she would win overall, she would get her wish and I'd disappear. There's only be one of us dancing around Chicagos then, and evidently not me. The worst part is I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for easter saturday, it'd all still be a maybe one day. It would be her influencing by setting me on this path, and I wouldn't want her to know that she ultimately was responsible somewhat, that she got her win and she could celebrate. Cocky of me, but I'm certain she won't read this, not only because there's been no views in the last 2 years. I think it's only me that knows this exists. Although this again is assuming, I'm assuming th views it has is me, I'm pretty confident, well, regardless, I'll never know. I've so much passion in me, so much desire, ive so much to write, so much to do, so much potential. I can do this. I have such energy within me, I've got so many plans, I know exactly how I'm going to accomplish anything. I've got a few years in me to live wild and crazy, one day I'll settle down but not until the perfect girl comes along, then it'll be all about supporting someone's else's campaign, hopefully my future son or daughter. When ive completed everything I want, I'll pass on my same passion and drive to their hopes and dreams. To raise a family in Berwick is a dream of mine. A boy named Alex, a girl named Alice or Emily. That's what I picture. But before that ive got stories to produce, scandals to uncover, the age old mystery to solve, football to be won, nights to be had, and adrenaline to fuel me. It's odd that whenever o truly believe my enemy is gone that they resurface. I wonder why it's still so prominent, I think that I just can't grasp how much I lost myself to her, and then can't understand the reasoning why. I think I could've forgiven anything. I don't have any ill feeling towards Jamie, none. It's odd because there was a time I thought I'd never deal with it. I could forgive her for setting that up. What I can never forgive in the callous way she told the broken ne to stick around, then lied, so obviously, and then sucked off the boy who kicked me in the head. That I can never forgive, I could've never done the same, if one of my friends had hit her, they'd find they were the ones at war with me. It's odd, even now I think I would intervene if she was ever in real danger, I couldn't see her get hit, a part of me remember the person she was years ago, and that part of me would never want her to get physically hurt. Wow, that's odd, how can that be when I hate her so much. I spose it's because it was that nearly time, when I nearly won everything. Whistle was as much the best era of my life as it was hers. I hope to exceed that. That and Pennywhistle will rival each other always. The two times I've been genuinely truly happy. But, that person disappeared, like Chris, the change was so drastic that there was nothing left of the person before. Why did it hit me so bad? Because like Chris I invested so much in that person, and in this case it was worse. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that she would try to destroy me like that. All the while I could say nothing, just being able to read from afar, knowing how meticulously she wanted to ruin my life. I did a lot, I really did, I didn't deserve that. I know that if I wasn't this strong now she would still be trying to destroy a weakened Tom, a me that couldn't and wouldn't fight back. I bet she regrets that. I know it's just because of what I know that I am safe. Without that, I expect I wouldn't hear the end of any of this. At least when Leigh left it was over. I got my wish and he was no longer a force in my life, this differs, still here. Last night confirms for me the person I still am, still happy go lucky, still naive enough to believe in miracles, still dreaming the same things I dreamt at 15. It also confirms how ridiculous my life is, just what were the odds on that, just picking up sonething. From the pharmacy became a complete farce, just how did that happen. It's still like a movie, still written. I still want to see liverpool win that title, I still want Gerrard to win it somehow. Do one thing every day that scares you. My chapters, they're going live. I want to test the potential of my pen.